Why I treat my social circle like my most important investment
The qualities I surround myself with, the ones I avoid - and how to tell the difference in 5 seconds
Sometimes I feel like a big antenna with my dial set to receive the wavelengths of my environment.
I only need to be in the company of someone with a particular way of speaking for a couple of days before I notice I’ve picked up a few of their twangs.
I sense the vibe of a person in the next tube carriage. I notice if someone halfway down the street is feeling down. Too many wavelengths at once converge to form a tsunami, wiping out my brain’s ability to focus on any one thing.
My inability to multitask is fairly extreme, to the point where I struggle to even talk over the radio because I find it so difficult to tune out the song lyrics — I can’t possibly be expected to also produce words of my own from my mouth at the same time.
I am, for better or worse, a human sponge. Hugely influenced by those in my physical presence and completely unable to tune out my surroundings.
Which means the people I choose to spend time with are not a casual decision. They are one of the most important decisions I make.
And if the research is right, this is true for all of us — not just us sponges.
According to social psychologist Dr. David McClelland of Harvard, the people you habitually associate with determine as much as 95% of your success or failure in life.
95%. However you interpret ‘success,’ that is an insane statistic.
As the Stoic philosopher Epictetus put it: you become what you give your attention to. And the people you spend the most time with are the single biggest claim on your attention there is.
They shape your outlook, how you think and feel, the expectations you have of yourself, even how you behave. It’s the reason parents worry about their kids falling into the wrong crowd.
And it’s the reason I am fiercely and unapologetically selective about who I spend time with.
I want to share what I look for, what I avoid and a 5 second test that tells you everything you need to know about whether someone belongs in your life.
The 5 second test
Here’s the simplest diagnostic I know.
After you’ve spent time with someone — a dinner, a phone call, an afternoon — ask yourself one question: how do I feel right now?
Nourished and with your cup topped up? Or drained and flat?
That’s it. That’s the test. Seems too simple, right?
But that feeling tells you more than any personality framework or compatibility quiz. Your body already knows who is good for you. You just have to listen to it.
I am a person who thoroughly enjoys my own company.
I can happily be alone for lengthy periods. This is not loneliness — it’s freedom. And it means when I do choose to spend time with someone, it should be an enriching experience for all involved.
That doesn’t mean much has to happen. Comfortable silence is a glorious plane to reach within a relationship. Nor does it mean people always need to be in a good mood or feeling on top form.
But if you consistently leave someone feeling smaller, quieter or more drained than when you arrived — that is data. Pay attention to it.
The qualities I actively surround myself with
Over the years I’ve noticed a set of traits that are common denominators amongst the people I most enjoy and value spending time with. The people who leave me feeling vital and spirited.
Not every person has all of them — that would be a fantastical being. But the best relationships in my life share clusters of these.
People who are genuine
Those comfortable in their own skin to be their true selves around me, and around whom I feel comfortable being myself.
Pretences are transparent and fake representations are mentally exhausting to navigate. Authenticity is the baseline. Without it, nothing else on this list matters.
People who actually listen
Not just hear — listen. People who fully absorb what is being said and take a moment for consideration before responding. They don’t just talk about themselves and they don’t talk over you.
True listening is a rare skill. When you find it, protect it.
People who go deep
How great is a good deep talk conversation?
I met with a friend recently and we talked non stop for seven hours straight about so many interesting topics. We didn’t notice the time, missed the last tube and still had so many things to cover. That’s when you know it was good chat.
Life is too short for small talk.
People who celebrate your wins
It’s easy to show up at someone’s low point. But will that same person show up in equal measure to celebrate your promotion? Your book deal? Your move to a new country?
The ones who cheer loudest when things go right for you are the ones who actually love you. The rest are just comfortable with you when you’re struggling.
People who are honest about their struggles
Sometimes life can be hard and it does no one any good to pretend it isn’t, when it is. I so appreciate those who remove the veneer of pretence and open up about their struggles. They are often things many of us can relate to and also want to voice.
Vulnerability is not weakness. It’s the door to real connection.
People who are running their own race
Those riding their own course with blinkers on, focussed on their lane rather than getting distracted by what everyone else is doing. They compare themselves only to their own potential.
That energy is incredibly infectious — it makes me want to run faster too.
People who take full ownership of their lives
Those who acknowledge they are fully responsible for and in charge of their own happiness.
I am here for my people when they need a shoulder to lean on. But attributing your sense of wellbeing to the responsiveness of another is an unreasonable expectation.
The most magnetic people I know are the ones who’ve stopped waiting to be rescued.
People who never stop learning
Those who aren’t afraid to admit they don’t know and see life as a constant opportunity to learn.
They’re also the best teachers — because they remember what it was like to not know and they have patience with those still figuring it out.
People who hunt for the beautiful
Those who actively go looking for the good, the joyful and the beautiful in the world.
They spot the emerging flower amongst the pile of rubbish. They notice the light. My agent said to me on the phone once, ‘You have a really joyous voice and I feel immediately uplifted when I hear it.’
My response was, ‘I’m just happy to be alive, Jonny.’
I get a lot of that energy by surrounding myself with people who feel similar.
What about the people who drain you?
Not everyone you meet is going to have these qualities. Some will have the direct opposite.
The drag downers. The naysayers. The complainers. The people who make every conversation about themselves and leave you feeling like you’ve just donated blood without giving permission.
You don’t need to cut these people out dramatically. But you do need to be honest about the pattern.
If you consistently feel worse after spending time with someone — if you dread the interaction beforehand or feel relieved when it’s over — that’s not a personality clash.
That’s your body telling you this relationship is costing more than it’s giving.
Being selective with who gets your time is not antisocial. It’s not cold. It’s not arrogant.
It is one of the most important acts of self-respect you will ever practise.
How to start being more intentional about your circle
Do the post-hangout check
After every social interaction this week, pause and ask: do I feel nourished or drained? Don’t analyse why — just note the feeling.
After a week, the pattern will be obvious.
Identify your top five
Write down the five people you spend the most time with. Next to each name, write one word for how they usually make you feel. If more than two of those words are negative, something needs to change.
Invest in the right ones
The relationships that lift you often get the least attention because they don’t demand it. The draining ones get your energy because they insist. Flip that. Reach out to someone who makes you feel excited about life and make a plan to see them.
Protect your solitude
Being alone is not a problem to be solved. It is fertile ground.
If you can be happy in your own company, you will never settle for relationships that diminish you just to avoid the silence.
Your circle is not an accident. It is a choice — even when it doesn’t feel like one.
The people you spend time with are quietly sculpting who you are becoming. Every conversation is a frequency. Every relationship is an influence. Every hour spent with someone is an hour spent becoming more like them.
And so you must choose deliberately and protect fiercely. And remember — being selective is not about finding perfect people. It’s about finding the ones who help you become more yourself.
As Nichiren Buddhism teaches:
Try to find at least one thing to treasure about every person you meet. But reserve your time for those who treasure something in you too.
Who’s the person in your life who always leaves you feeling better than when you arrived? Tell them — and tell me in the comments.
I’m Leyla. I write about protecting your energy, choosing deliberately and building a life that doesn’t drain you. Amongst other things. I send this once a week to 8,000+ readers — join them if you’d like it in your inbox.
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