Why I’m so selective with who I spend time with
and the 16 personality traits I surround myself with
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In today’s column we’re talking about how the people we spend the most time with have a huge influence on the trajectory of our lives. And why it’s therefore important to choose our circle of friends wisely.
To help with this, I share 16 different personality traits I actively surround myself with, and why.
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“You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.”
– Jim Rohn
I am a person who thoroughly enjoys my own company. And the fact I can happily be alone for lengthy periods enables me to be quite selective with the people I do choose to spend my time with. For me, being in the company of others should be an enriching experience, for all involved.
That doesn’t mean much – if anything – has to happen; comfortable silence is a glorious plane to reach within a relationship. Nor does it mean people always need to be in a good mood or feeling on top form in order to socialise.
But a good indication as to whether you have a healthy relationship with someone, is looking at how you feel when you leave them: nourished and with your cup topped up, or drained and flat.
Who we choose to spend the most time with has a massive sway on us. On our outlook on life, how we think and feel, the expectations we have of ourselves and even how we behave; it’s the reason parents worry about their kids ‘falling into the wrong crowd’.
As Darren Hardy writes in The Compound Effect:
“According to research by social psychologist Dr. David McClelland of Harvard, [the people you habitually associate with] determine as much as 95 percent of your success or failure in life.”
Interpret “success” as you wish here. However you do, that is a pretty huge percentage.
Absorbing the characteristics of those around you
One of the reasons I am so particular with who I spend my time with is because 1) I am a human sponge, hugely influenced by those in my physical presence and 2) I struggle to ‘tune out’ of my surroundings.
I only need to be in the company of someone with a particular way of speaking for a couple of days for me to notice I have picked up a few of their twangs. I am also very sensitive to the energy of others; I will sense the vibe of a person in the next tube carriage and notice if someone halfway down the street is feeling down.
Sometimes I feel like a big antenna with my dial set to receive the wavelengths of my environment. This is partly the reason why I categorically cannot multitask (but can easily get into flow states); too many wavelengths at any one time converge to form a tsunami, wiping out my brain’s ability to focus on any one thing.
My inability to multitask is fairly extreme, to the point where I struggle to even talk over the radio because I find it so difficult to tune out the song lyrics and can’t possibly be expected to also produce words of my own from my mouth at the same time?!1
For these reasons, the people I choose to spend the most time with have to be selected with consideration.
The traits I seek out in my relationships
In the same way as Greek Stoic philosopher Epictetus said, “You become what you give your attention to,” it’s the attributes of the people we spend the most time with that we end up absorbing.
Which means it’s important to surround yourself with those who add to your life more than they subtract. The people who lift, teach, challenge, comfort, energise and inspire you to become the best version of yourself and learn from your mistakes. As opposed to the drag downers, naysayers, criticisers, complainers and gossipers.
It’s rare to have all your emotional, intellectual, physical, social and spiritual needs met by a single person – this would be a fantastical being and even if they did exist, I can’t imagine such a singular dependency is particularly healthy for either person involved. More baskets for your wellness eggs needed.
But there are a bunch of traits I have noticed to be common denominators amongst the people I already enjoy and value spending my time with, the kind of people that leave me feeling vital and spirited. The presence of these people in my life improves it, which in turn, helps me to fulfil my own potential.
Here are 16 of these traits and qualities of the people I surround myself with the most, and why: